Player Character
by Kagaseo
Summary: One-shot. Fate/Stay Night is a nice game to play... until it starts playing YOU. A parody of video games.


**Just a silly idea I got while working on another story, What it takes to win. Enjoy.**

**Thanks Slayer End for betaing.**

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**Player Character**

The gamer read the story's summary, as he placed the disk inside his PS3.

_You are the son of Emiya Kiritsugu, a man with a troubled past. Now, you have to fight in a war between heroes and villains from all mythologies. Many dangers, secrets and adventures await you. Can you gain the Holy Grail and turn your wish into reality?_

"I wonder if they added new routes in this edition," the gamer pondered out loud, an old habit of his, "It would be amusing to get a Caster or Ilya Route… guess I'll find out very soon." He had always been fond of Fate/Stay Night, and many of his friends recommended the game to him. Apparently, the storyline and fights were worth buying it.

The TV lightened, with a message written with blue letters on it: **t****ouch the screen.**

The gamer narrowed his eyes. That… that was very different… None of his friends mentioned anything like that. "The hell?" he pondered, as his index finger drifted across the screen… and went past it, as if there _was_ no screen. The young man immediately drew his hand away in shock, stumbling backwards. "I-Is my TV _haunted_ or something?" he wondered, briefly remembering the Persona 4 game, where the player could use screens as gates to another world.

His TV was big enough to allow him to enter inside… but what would be waiting for the gamer on the other end? Was he really willing to risk his (excessively) precious life and perhaps find a gruesome end? Should he report the event to authorities?

… the choice, in itself was obvious. He'd never get an opportunity like this again. And he needed to know what awaited him. Curiosity won out, in the end, and he passed his head through the screen. "Well, it's not like I've got something better to do," he shrugged, hoping the travel worked both ways.

When he stepped all the way through, the gamer found himself inside a familiar Dojo… with familiar people. "Welcome to…" a woman with brown hair and eyes took her breath. She was wearing a Japanese dress called… actually, the gamer had completely forgotten. "FATE STAY NIGHT GOLDEN EDITION!"

"My ears!" the gamer complained, covering them with his hands. "For a living program, your screams feel too real!"

"Don't be shy!" a little girl with silver hair and red eyes shouted with joy. She was wearing a white shirt and… purple underpants. "This is the best game ever, so we've got to scream it!"

"I'm the one, the awesome… Taiga Fujimura!" The older woman smirked. "And this is my trusty sidekick Ilyasviel – or 'Ilya', for friends. We're here to help you in your adventure, Shirou!"

"Actually, my name is-"

"Now, Shirou," Ilya interrupted, making the gamer face palm. "With your name decided, you must create your player character. Three Origins are available to you: Sword, Magic, or Skill."

'Shirou' snorted loudly, and glanced around himself. The portal was still open, which was good. If he wanted to leave this insanity, he could. He briefly glanced around himself, amazed by the realism. Even the floor felt cold. "Is this some kind of virtual reality?"

"Choose. An. Origin." Taiga glared at him.

Perhaps these two weren't programmed to answer that question. Well. It didn't matter, not really. "I guess it will influence the gameplay, right? And it'll influence which item is implanted in me?"

"That's a spoiler!" Taiga glared at him, before regaining her calm. "Sword is for players who don't care about the story and are playing for awesome fights in close combat! You get only three routes, illogical choices, and zero side quests, but you're nigh indestructible and you can make and wield any Noble Phantasm, except Ea!"

"Magic is for players who want a fair balance between role playing and action!" Ilya explained, as loudly as her partner. "Your character is magic-oriented, can use all spells in the game, and has access to a few useful skills like item creations. Many side quests are available, alongside one-hundred and eight alternative routes!"

The gamer's jaw dropped slightly at that. One hundred and… yeah, the developers _really _updated this version. "Alright… How powerful can I become? I don't want to criticize the gameplay, but most Servants have resistance to spells…"

"At some point, your spells will become strong enough to get past them," Taiga explained. "And your strongest spell can kill any Servant in one hit."

As much as the idea would be entertaining, Shirou asked for the third Origin, "And that leaves Skill. I'd assume it's for the best story telling, then?"

"Yes," Ilya nodded. "You're average and limited both in using Noble Phantasms and spells, and it will be impossible to beat the strongest servants on your own… BUT you have access to all side quests, can develop a vast range of useful skills, have enormous freedom in your choices, and… you can try seven hundred, seventy seven routes."

Shirou blinked, "There are seven hundred, seventy seven girls to romance?"

"Nah! That would be _way_ too much. But you _can_ get threesomes, harem endings, and romance guys. Many of the routes don't even _involve_ romance," Taiga grinned, "To be honest, there _is_ an 'Orgy' route where all named characters become your harem, guys included, but it's just badly written porn."

"You can do pretty much anything in the game if you take the Skill origin," Ilya added. "Join the Dark Side and take over the world, see Saber in a tutu, make Gilgamesh lick your foot and ask you to whip him like a dog-"

"I will take the Skill origin," the gamer hurriedly decided, already imagining the scene with sadistic glee.

"Next, a character alignment is attributed to you. It will condition some of your skills and might change depending on your actions." Taiga read a sheet of paper, which appeared out of nowhere. "Your alignment is… CHAOTIC EVIL!"

"…_what_?" Shirou jumped on place. "That's Bluebeard's alignment. _Bluebeard's!_ The guy who killed orphans for the hell of it and whose Noble Phantasm is a book made of _human __skin!"_

"Chaotic Evil," Taiga ignored him, "Also known as the 'Asshole' kind of character, is an individual who does whatever his greed, hatred, and lust for destruction drive him to do. He is hot-tempered, vicious, arbitrarily violent, unpredictable, ruthless and needlessly brutal. And according to your past experience in games, you really, _really _fit that description."

"The list of your crimes in other games," Ilya began, reading _another _sheet of paper, "Includes mass murder, premeditated assassinations, attempted manslaughter, armed robbery, theft, kleptomania, animal cruelty, lying-"

"What kind of player _did__n't _do those things?!" Shirou asked.

"-wholesale slaughter of civilians, whose corpses you looted afterwards for munitions-"

"I was low on ammo and cornered! It was them or me!"

"-repetitive kicking of puppies, committed genocide against a sapient specie-"

"They were alien murderous parasites hell-bent on taking over the galaxy! And the puppies were asking for it!"

"-desecrated a tomb, became buddy-buddy with demons, enslaved the souls of innocents, destroyed a potential beautiful romance between two side characters for a laugh, joined evil empires to enslave three galaxies and a dozen kingdoms, caused the intentional destruction of an inhabited planet to loot its natural resources, participated in dog fighting tournaments for money, burned a kid's teddy bear before his very eyes, called one of your player characters _Jack the Ripper_-"

"Alright, stop!" The gamer face palmed. "I admit, it's true I accumulated a bad karma… but is it my fault if evil options pay better?" Shirou sighed, "You know what? Fuck it. I'm Chaotic Evil. Now… what's next? My Servant?" Taiga said nothing, and Shirou rolled his eyes. "I take Saber. She's the best, overall." He briefly wondered how could he be able to control Berserker in the first place, but kept his mouth shut.

"Finally, you get three starting skills based on your background, each one C rank: **Mental Pollution, ****Healing Factor, **and **Charisma**. You can max out one of them to A rank." Ilya approached her head. "Pick **Charisma**. Seriously, **Mental Pollution **is nearly useless, and for story reasons **Healing Factor **winds up being set to A+ on its own anyway. It's the game's way of mocking the players."

"I take **Charisma **then-"

"TIME TO BEGIN THEN!" Taiga shouted. "HALLELUJAH!"

"Hey, wait, is there a way to turn back-" the gamer began, before the scenery faded to black, taking the portal he entered through with it. "Damn!" Words in golden letters appeared in front of him, followed by… Was this playing '_Back in Black_'?!

**Fate Stay Night**

**Golden Edition**

**Press Enter to start dying**

"… I guess it's too late to put the difficulty on 'easy'."

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Around twenty minutes later...

**Congratulations! **

**You got eviscerated by Berserker! And turned into a doll by Ilya!**

**Press Enter to die again**

"FUCK!"

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**A/N: **I've seen stories where Naruto or Harry Potter are trapped in a video game version of their universe... but I've yet to see a Nasuverse story using this plot device. Anyone is interested in writing a story based on this one-shot is welcome to try.

... yeah, and seriously, video games sometimes offer nasty opportunities for cruelty (aka all the gamer's actions can be done in other games I played). If you can recognize which games are referred in the one-shot, you get an ice cream.

Returning to work on What it takes to win.


End file.
